~thyme~ Seattle

// Non-optional //

There are some things in life we do simply because we can.  There are also people we fill our time with simply because they are there.  All of that is fine I suppose, but sometimes we are blessed with something better.  Sometimes we find a passion so extraordinary, so gravitating, so perfect, that we know it is what we are meant to be pursuing.  And sometimes we cross paths with people who are absolutely and unequivocally meant to be with us.  Those people who you know without a single shadow of a doubt are going to be at your side forever.  Those people who love you for who you are no matter what, but will also correct you when straying from the person they know you to be.  They’re the people who will do anything, and be anything for you.  The people who you not only share all the good things with, but also gladly and with pride help you through all the bad things.  The people who fill us with hope, desire, abundance, warmth, and a sense of deserving.  The people who give us everything we could ever need at our best, even when we’re at our worst.  The people we love, who love us, not because it’s convenient or easy, but because to the very core of their existence, and with every fiber of their being, they don’t even have a choice.

// Shhhh I’m Fine//

Sometimes life feels surreal.  Like a dream I’m floating through.  I just wake up sometimes with this feeling that things aren’t….right.  Laying for hours not knowing whats off kilter, just knowing something is.  Most of the time I try desperately to view everything that has ever happened to me as a blessing, good and bad.  I’m happy with the person I’ve become and I owe it to everything and everyone that brought me to this point, good and bad.  But sometimes I can’t stop the negative thoughts from seeping into the forefront of my consciousness.  Reminding me that this life isn’t one I would have chose could I have chosen.  That once upon a time I expected so much more, and aspired to so much more.  That I thought things would be better, and I would be better.  And all the things I don’t want to allow myself to remember, all the things I spend most days tricking myself out of believing, sometimes find a way to take me out of my preferred reality and assault me with the daggers of my lesser half.  So drowning in a tsunami of my own device I become trapped.  Trapped in the seemingly never ending vortex of self criticism and cruelty.  

// Everyone’s Got to Be Doing Something//

It is very important to me that the people i surround myself with are progressive human beings.  I strongly believe that if you are not actively striving to improve upon yourself then you are moving backwards.  Or at the very least remaining sedentary, which in my opinion is just as bad.  We should always strive for growth.  We should always want to be better, do better, and know better.  We should be curious and seek knowledge.  This absurd notion that everything essential will either be learned organically or taught in school desperately needs to be abandoned.  It doesn’t matter if you are trying to learn more about even the most trivial of things such as fashion and vanity, just be learning about something.  Improving yourself in some way.  We should view ourselves as a never ending, never complete project.  Always making changes, always making adjustment, and searching for more.  More to be, more to do, more to encompass that which is our life force.  Always moving forward, always trying harder and doing everything we can to be better people.  

// Is There a Map For That?//

I feel so lost right now…..there was once upon a time in my life when everything was so simple.  I just had all the answers.  Life wasn’t a huge dark vortex filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and failure.  What and who i was was so clear.  What and who i wanted held just as much clarity.  Now every single day feels like a blur.  I want to fill my time with distractions and things to do just so that i can’t be left to the merciless horror that is my own thoughts.  My thoughts of worry and wonder that relentlessly remind me of how i don’t have a single clue what to do next.  It’s so easy to be on a set path, like school.  You get up, you go to school, you go to work.  That’s what you do, that’s what you’re supposed to do.  But what happens you come to the end of your set path and are met with a myriad of others and yet still lacking in any sense of direction?   

// To Live A Life For Another//

I’m not referring to someone who makes decisions and lives their life based and what others want or perceive about them.  I’m referring to the gut wrenching, heart breaking, hope crushing feeling you get when you see someone you love making horrible choices.  Time, after time, after time, after time.  And the horrible burden of having seen the train wreck before it occurred, without the ability to stop it.  I know that we need to make our own mistakes and live our lives by ourselves for ourselves.  But every now and then I find myself wishing I could just be the puppet master and pull the strings because I get tired of watching the people I love repeating the same destruction patterns.  

// Perfection Unplanned//

Things never work out exactly how we expect them to.  Sometimes they work out exactly the opposite in fact.  But no matter what wrongs have been done to us, no matter how much we mess up, and no matter how far from the planned path we skew, nothing should be regret.  It’s better to change a lost chance at something into an opportunity for something else, and grow from every experience.  So if you completely forget to apply for transfer to the university you need to get into, and as a result cant start the program you want to take for an additional year, make the best of it!  Study abroad, intern, take a quarter off and work like crazy to save up so that you don’t have to worry about money when you start school again.  Just don’t dwell on your mistake, take advantage of every opportunity it presents you with.  Otherwise your just a loser who fucked up.  I’d rather turn this next year into a much better path than I had originally planned.

// A Fontillian Couplet//

Maryam is so yummy!

My tummy feels so great!

Maryam is a bunny!

A bunny i just ate!

// fear//

what we’re scared of changes drastically throughout our lives.  when were young were scared of monsters, but as we get older those fears are replaced with fear of getting in trouble and such, then we have fears of murderers and psychopaths and what have you.  but one thing we are always scared of, one thing that never goes away, never changes, is the fear of loss. fear of losing our family…our friends…even ourselves.  fear of losing something valuable.  fear of losing, being defeated. do we hold onto this fear because it’s actually the hardest thing to endure, or because it’s the most frequent?  maybe a little bit of both…but when out fear of loss becomes to great…we also start to develop a fear of gain…because no gain goes without loss.  what do we do when we desperately want to gain something, but know that no matter what in the end it will be lost?  do we go for it…or let it pass by..?

// it’s about time’s ill timed//

it’s pretty shitty how you can want something so bad for so long but right when it’s the wrong time and you don’t want it anymore that’s when you get it.  i guess that’s just always how it goes…you never get what you want and what you need at the same time…because a life without lack has nothing to pursue i suppose.  


Parachute - Kiss Me Slowly

(Source: lilacdino / Parachute)

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